Lindsay Taylor is Director of Your Excellency, a highly successful training and coaching organisation that “creates the difference that makes the difference”. In over 12 years of delivering learning and development courses to the PA/EA community, assertiveness training skills have consistently been one of the top requests. In an exclusive feature for meetingsclub, Lindsay shares her top tips to say NO, including the powerful use of body language and use of key assertive words.

EAs AND PAs ARE OFTEN SEEN AS THE “GO TO PEOPLE” WITHIN AN ORGANISATION, THE “FOUNTAIN OF ALL KNOWLEDGE”. IS THAT PART OF THE PROBLEM OF JUST SAYING NO?

I think you’re right… The role is very much about assisting others and ensuring their effectiveness and efficiency. We step into being that helpful team member in our organisations. There is a danger though that this helpful persona means that every time you are asked to assist or do something you always say “yes”, and once you say “yes” once to a request (and of course you do a fantastic job of it), your team members are likely to assume that if they ask you again to do this task you’ll say “yes” again and it’s a given that this task is now part and parcel of your role… Now that’s fine if the task being asked of you is part of your job role – but if it isn’t within your scope or is taking you away from doing tasks that are more important – or your team members are taking advantage of your helpful, good nature – then this is an obvious problem.

WHAT SORT OF EXAMPLES HAVE YOU COME ACROSS?

In one of my PA roles I worked in an open plan office and I was seated quite close to the photocopier. This delightful photocopier was a beast of a thing that when it worked was super – it collated, it stapled, it had different sized paper trays – all singing, all dancing! But when it jammed up it was a real pain to unjam! And because I was seated near it – you know what’s coming – I was regularly asked to help unjam the thing!

Fresh into this PA role I wanted to be seen as a helpful team member and I said yes the first time I was asked to unjam the machine– unfortunately I was quickly considered to be the photocopier expert – perhaps a new title would be “the photocopier whisperer”!!! And it wasn’t a case of waving a magic wand over the machine and it all working just like that – it involved far more than that and often my hands were covered in black toner when I’d finished. And the whispering under my breath was often quite interesting language too…

There was some research done by The University of California Irvine with some fascinating stats that every time you are interrupted it takes an average of 23 minutes and 15 seconds to get back into the flow of what you were doing. Constant interruptions during your day mean your productivity is being massively impacted.

So, what I’m emphasising here is that you need to be a helpful EA and PA, but you need to be helpful to yourself. Because saying yes to requests of your time and energy for tasks that our outside of your remit means that you are stealing time and energy from the tasks that are adding the most value – and which fit with your job remit.

SO, IT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD STARTING POINT IS HAVING CLARITY OVER YOUR JOB ROLE…

Absolutely – that I would say is the first step. You need to ensure you have a current job description that reflects perfectly what you are there to do. This is a challenge because often you’ve inherited a job description that was written months – sometimes years – ago and it no longer reflects your role. So, ensure you have a current, up to date job description. This may mean talking to your Executive or HR department to get this in place.

AND THE NEXT STEP?

I believe the next step is to be aware of what assertive communication is and to start practising it using this knowledge.

I think the easiest way of breaking down assertive communication is by homing in on some research from Albert Mehrabian. Mehrabian was a Professor of psychology at Harvard University and in the early 1960s he conducted some research into how we create that great engagement or impact with others – specifically when we are sharing our feelings face to face.

He broke down communication into 3 areas – namely the words we speak, the tone of voice that we use and our body language.

AND THERE ARE SOME INTERESTING STATS ATTRIBUTED TO EACH ELEMENT OF COMMUNICATION AREN’T THERE?

There are! And you know, very often Mehrabian’s research is misquoted or used out of context – what he discovered was that there is relative importance attributed to each of the 3 elements and which contribute to the engagement and impact you can create when communicating face to face. Words account for 7% Tone for 38% and Body Language for 55%

It’s really interested to realise that 93% of the importance of your message is down to how you deliver that message. And also, that the most important is body language – so under this heading we’re thinking physiology (facial expressions), eye contact, hand and body gestures – basically what people see when you are communicating.

A great exercise is to consider what assertive words are, what an assertive tone is and what assertive body language is. And then to use this knowledge and implement this as one complete package. Your message is going to have the most impact if words, tone and body language are all aligned and delivering the same, succinct message of course.

SO, IF WE START WITH ASSERTIVE BODY LANGUAGE THEN – WHAT ARE SOME EXAMPLES?

It would be the right amount of eye contact with the person you are communicating with – ideally at the same eye level. If you’re looking down at someone then you’ve already created that power divide between you, and you are in essence “looking down” at someone.

It’s important to recognise as well that when we need and want to be assertive it’s very often in challenging situations to us – when we’re feeling frustrated, hot under the collar – however you want to say it – and our adrenalin rush may have kicked in. So, we may feel like we want to roll our eyes in despair and frustration – but obviously it’s not good to do this!

Think about the distance between you and the person you are communicating with – everyone has different amount of personal space that they like to work with. I believe EAs and PAs tend to have high EQ and are able to gage this instinctively – you know which of your work colleagues are happy to sit right next to you and those that need that extra space around them…

Use balanced, open body gestures – the psychology goes that hands with palms facing outwards is more assertive and inclusive if you make a gesture that encompasses everyone in the conversation – as opposed to clenched fists (which you may feel like doing of course!)

HOW ABOUT ASSERTIVE TONE?

I mentioned the adrenaline rush in challenging situations which will of course affect your breathing – so you need to take control of your breathing so your message can be delivered at a steady and even pace.

You want to use your voice to place an emphasis on key words. You can use pauses for affect and I would suggest pausing maybe a little longer than you normally would to ensure your message is landing and being delivered in the best way (all the time you are going to be noticing the reaction of the person you are communicating with).

Ensure this is a two-way conversation too and give time for responses from the other person. Assertive communication is about having a mutual respect for others and recognising we all have different viewpoints and opinions.

Think about the volume of your communication – this is not shouting because that’s stepping over into aggressive communication, it’s not whispering because this is not demonstrative confidence in what you are sharing.

OKAY, SO THE 6 DIFFERENT “NOs” are….

The first “no” is what I call “The Closing No” and it goes like this:

Thank you for asking me… and I prefer not to.

The second “no” is “The postponing No” and it goes like this:

“I can’t do it now. I could help you later”

Now you need to make sure that keep your promise if you’ve agreed to get back later – set an alarm on your outlook – this is your credibility.

The third “no” is one of my favourites! And it’s called “The Problem-Solving No”:

“I’m not in a position to help you. Have you considered phoning technical support – or speaking to Jane in Accounts…”

If you are signposting the person who has asked for your assistance to someone who is better placed to help them – whose role it is to do this task. You’re still remained solution focused.

The fourth “no” is “The Negotiating No”

This is a “no” that works perfectly within a team when you recognise you are all pulling in the same direction and you are aware that we all have individual specialisms and expertise – so can trade off this expertise and help each other out. For example:

“If I help you with x then I’d need help from you on y. Is that okay?”

The fifth “no” is “The Reprioritising No”

“I’m happy to do this and in order for it to happen something else will have to give. What would you suggest?”

This is a great “no” response that helps the individual understand you have a lot on your plate (very often it’s not just them you are supporting) and bouncing back their request to ask them what they suggest gets them to empathise and step into your shoes…

AND FINALLY, YOUR SIXTH

This is “The Ground ruling no”

“I know I’ve helped you I the past and I’ll help you this time.  However, from now on you’ll need to do this yourself/speak to tech support.  Okay?”

AND YOUR BOOK – “A-Z Pearls of Wisdom for Executive PAs” IS A GREAT WAY TO FIND OUT MORE ON THE SUBJECT?

Yes, the book works through the alphabet from A-Z and each chapter is a new letter of the alphabet. A is for Assertiveness and H is for Helpful which will supplement the article above. My book is available on Amazon (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pearls-Wisdom-Executive-PAs/dp/1517705746) or if you’re running a PA event that I’m attending, I can bring you copies at a preferential rate of £10.

PLUS, YOU’VE KINDLY OFFERED TO GIVEAWAY A COPY OF YOUR BOOK TO ONE LUCKY meetingsclub MEMBER!

Yes, if you’re interested in winning a copy – please mail me at lindsay@yourexcellency.co.uk mentioning The meetingsclub Learning Zone. Your details will be added to our mailing list – we share our learning and development news every couple of months – and I’ll pick a winner at the end of February!